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| war-time depression |
| 06.21.04 (8:21 pm) [edit] |
One more thing. Today as I was scanning every news channel imaginable I thought back to something I heard around 9/11.
Americans, when 9/11 happened, started really keeping up with the news and some became obsessive about it. (like I am)...They had said that it becomes a form of depression...living through the news with little contact of the outside world
they say it's a reg. thing when it is war-time. The nation basically gets depressed.
And I can understand that. i am for sure experiencing heavy depression.
But today I realized that I shouldn't even be stressin about all of that...Like my usual self I have not allowed my feelings to be important...until now :)
and hell, it's valid..with all the shit going on in my personal life..family life...it's harsh. And then put on that, the fact that the person who knows me better than anyone and was my compadre' growing up...he's in iraq..and he might die tomorrow...or today...
My feelings are valid...the only thing is that I should proabbly get some professional help because I literally am thinking about tristan and this war 24/7..and that's not good!
But I wanted to share the fact that if you're out there watchin the news and think you are WAY too informed....you aint alone baby! :D
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| The Meaning of it All...... |
| 06.21.04 (8:13 pm) [edit] |
I worked my ass off at the gym today. That would feel great if I didn't know I have to do it tomorrow..and the next day..and the next
But it's good. I need it.
I'm on such a cloud nine with my new resolve to MAKE myself happy. And just keeping the mind frame of "I deserve to be happy and I know how to make myself happy"...I'm well on my way to much happier blogging!
I haven't heard from Tristan in three days. I hope everything is alright. I've been watching to see if the S. Korean man held hostage had been killed...his deadline ran out as I was lifting weights...I gave a moment of prayer.
It doesn't seem right. And of course it isn't...but this is war people..and I don't think we've seen 'nothin yet
But the good news...I was reading that the Army is in talks to move Tristan's platoon from Baumholder Germany to the US....so in 2005 he might be looking to be stationed here. That, would be a HUGE gift from god!
Along with my new resolve comes a huge determination to get back on a reg. sleeping schedule...so I'll close here cuz it's time to brush the teeth and fall alseep to my favorite bed-time show...CONAN!
Peace All!
p.s. chek out the blog I linked to. Great page!
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| today |
| 06.21.04 (9:11 am) [edit] |
Here is the good part....I'm one happy girl
Today I stood up for myself. And that isn't unusal but today was special. Today I made an independant decision based on how I felt and didn't feel bad for it! And that my friends, is a big step
Sometimes I wonder how long it will take to be rid of these feelings and then I realize that these feelings will only be replaced by new problems...a constant cycle
so here's my lil secrets for making sure you can always stay at least a LIL happy...these are what I do at least!
1. Know that you aren't going to solve your problem today
2. Admitting it really is the first step..and sometimes you stand on that step for a loooong time.
3. No matter how much you have it all planned out in your head. It doesn't matter until you actually move your ass.
4. Really, no one cares what you look like.
5. Follow your heart...only you can make yourself happy.
that's it for now...I would write more but I'm trying to get a life :)
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| THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER! |
| 06.18.04 (9:43 am) [edit] |
Today has been one of those days I'll never forget. I fell alseep at 5:00am and woke up at 9:00am...I went online and of course tristan had already come and gone...we got about 10 minutes to talk and he said
"i'm comin home in like three weeks"
 HUH!
OK so like, was it not a week ago i was just getting used to the fact that I wasn't going to see him for like, a Loooooong time......
Now I'm all like..what the fuck...i'm not READY for you to come home! And what horrible timing too. I've had nothing to do forever recently, and when he's home i'll be really busy with Ross and his summer shows...maybe I can bring Tristan to some of them??? Who knows
I also talked to Tim today. We haven't talked in like a month. it took him all of three seconds to say he wished I was there. I don't know why...all we ever do is argue...(we are TOO alike!)...but I suppose I gotta see him soon...we were hanging out every week for awhile there...now I haven't seen him since we went to the John Mayer concert in march...wow, that was a long time ago.....
Who knows what posts will pop up today..I'm feelin good and feel like sharin it with the world
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you
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| MORTALITY FROM A 20 YEAR OLD'S PERSPECTIVE |
| 06.17.04 (5:30 pm) [edit] |
Today I was thinking a lot about dying. Not because I'm sad or anything, but because of the reality i'm forced to face with Tristan being in Iraq and this whole stupid war.
I heard a webmaster say that the death of Jonathan Brandis resulted in more emails he'd ever received about any celebrity death... and he wondered why. He figured it was because people now of my generation are being forced to look at their own mortality. I mean I thought Jonathan was so cute when I was younger...now not only will I never get the chance to even meet him...he[i] KILLED[/i] himself...hung himself and wanted to die.
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez.....reading about her death as i'm sitting at a teacher's desk in a classroom, made for quite a show for the entire class watching i'm sure. I loved TLC and they were a HUGE part of my musical upbringing. I still have a hard time realizing she's died. I don't know how to comprehend that I'll never see one of my biggest influences in concert.
Aaliyah. That dear sweet girl died as I was sitting and wacthing MTV. She was JUST starting to really establish herself as an artist...and she died doing what she loved. was it worth it to her in the end I wonder? Had she never made that video....
And you know that is the hardest part. Having to think of the "what ifs" It's so hard to understand that you can sometimes have NO control over your life. I can't STAND the fact that I have no influence on anything in Tristan's life right now physically...all I can do is be what he needs me to be and that is a good friend and someone to tell him everyday how much he means to people. Especially to me. Plus he know he got a girl to come home to..and doesn't ever soilder need that????
I'm 20 and yeah, I've lived, but i've never had to face reality like i have to lately. It's hard and I am sure I should be trying to cope better. But I don't know how.
I can work hard to accomplish everything I need or want to do ......and what for? In 2 months?, 3 months?, a year from now, none of it will matter because Tristan could very well be lost to me.
so that's what I'm thinking about.
It isn't fair to have to deal with these things no. But it gives anyone out there, who didn't contemplate it before, a good idea of what was going on when [i]our[/i] parents were growing up. It's funny how not much has changed. And I hope those about to come into any kind of power out there will realize that [b][i]the goal of any new generation is to make the world better for the next one[/i][/b]. And I'm seeing some postive changes in the world. But I'm still not happy....give me back tristan and we'll talk.
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| life sometimes feels like it never moves |
| 06.17.04 (1:29 am) [edit] |
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| BOYS, BOYS, AND MORE BOYS! |
| 06.16.04 (10:40 pm) [edit] |
I accepted a long time ago that nobody liked me. No friends, no boyfriends and no self-esteem
fastforward to [b]2004[/b] and I'm a desired and sought-after person. I don't get it.....most of the time I can't stand it....and if you try and hook up with me i'm probably gonna say something not very nice to you. I have my defenses up [b]BIG TIME[/b]...I wish I could stop using my attitude as a defense mechanism
But to my problem. I have had a boyfriend (tate) for the past 4 years (since i was 15)...and this guy is still beyond in love with me and even wants to get married. he gets insanely jealous when it comes to me and other guys because he doesn't want to let me go.
I love him too, more than anyone in my world...but at the same time I'm so scared lately that I'll never know anything else but being with him...and I just think that is going to be what ruins out relationship in the end
And I've got Tristan over there in iraq...aside from what's going on with Tate and I. I was pissed at Tristan for going to Iraq so i wasn't trying to talk to him the frist year he was gone
obviously that is different now and I've got all sortsa new thoughts in my head
and tate knows about it
and that's a whole NOTHER issue
then let's throw in tim...my best friend who is a guy that is attracted to me and has made it known
tate has a huge problem with him too....
and then there's ross....hot guitar player who I connect with on a level tate and i could never reach (musically)...think tate has an issue with ross....yeah, ya think??
SO here's lil ol me just trying to figure out who the heck I even want to go on ONE date with yet alone be in a relationship with or have sex with
and everyday I have to reassure tate I'm not gonna just move out tomorrow for another man...I know he has issues that are unreal but i mean...I know where all the facts lay and it's not so bad...but I wish he wasn't so insecure or set in the idea that we HAVE to be together forever only us..till we die
I'M TWENTY people!!!....The only thoughts of dying I have are not about me :cry: ...And right now what I want (like anyone ever asks me what I want!)...anway what I want is for Tristan to come home..that's it..nothing is more important than that. I want him home and I want to be wtih him, talk to him, hold him, kiss him, love him, and try my damdest to make the most of the time we'll have...if nothing ever comes of it we will have this month where we had [i]something[/i]...I can't wait to find out what will come of it all .
So let's add it up
Tate's in love with me
Tim wants me
Ross and I got this [i][b]thing[/b][/i] between us..that's the best way I can say it
.....And they all take a backseat to Tristan who is my heart right now. and who is the person i would chose to be with if he was here to be an option.
what the hell am i going to do?
People need to stop having feelings for me because i don't know how to deal with it.
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| HE'S IN IRAQ AND I WANT HIS ASS BACK...... |
| 06.16.04 (10:26 pm) [edit] |
Ok I think I'm going to put a little bit more about Tristan on here because hell, ya'll don't know me :wink:
Also I'm just trying to figure it all out and it's nice to have this site to jot it all down
OK so I know this, I know I love him. But what kind of love is it? Do I love him like a brother, a friend, a person that I'm close to based on the fact that we grew up right next door to eachother...is it sexual...is it because I can't have him??
I think it's a little of all that but I think the most important thing I realize is that no matter WHY I love him..i [i]do[/i] love him...and I could never live not knowing what could ever become of any of this
I've always assumed that if I never met anyone new throughout my life..I would be perfectly content to spend the rest of my life with Tristan. And I knew that because I know him..and I know what it takes to make him happy and what makes him sad...well at least i know how he USED to be
I forget often that I haven't talked to him for a very long time. Sure I've seen him but we've never been to the point of wanting to sit and enjoy eachother's company.
And god we'll just get to it...the physicality of it all. I mean Tristan is hot. Always has been, always will be. He was gross to me for a good part of our growing up based on the fact that he was a boy but when we both started having sex with other people...thoughts drifted to having sex with eachother
GET IT OUTTA YOUR HEAD...it never happened. I'm a good girl :roll: yeah right
point is...the last time we were close with eachother it was me who said we shouldn't...what the fuck angela? cmon now
so now I have a whole lifetime to make up for everything I've ever wanted to do..and I get to see where it all leads. Tristan and I are still babies in this life and we've got a lot of time to talk about and try a lot of things
He just has to come home...please god bring him home. I miss him so much and can't live without him in my life
[b][i]think typing out a prayer gives it any advantage??[/i][/b]
now i'm going to write a post on why my life sucks...this should be fun =o)
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| OH MY GOSH I ACTUALLY POSTED! |
| 06.16.04 (10:11 pm) [edit] |
hey all
sorry it's been so long...My computer got reformated and I lost my list of over 200 "you know you grew up in the ninties"
I don't have to say I was pissed right?
so now I'm putting it off until I feel like it...that brutally sucks
good news is that I got to talk to tristan on the phonr today. It's only now hitting me that I was a total dork on the phone but oh well....tristan knows me...I'm not too worried
Father's day is coming up and I'm getting a little nautious about it all. My dad was never around when I was growing up and he always comes at me with "i know what you can get me for my b-day"..or "i know what I want for father's day"
I WANT to say.."i know what i WANTED for the past 20 years for gifts"...it's like he is so fucking selfish. But I'm a wuss and won't say anything....not yet at least
other than that I've been working on my new website...re-teaching myself HTML is pretty easy...there is a lot more information now online than there was two years ago. I'll have that site up I'd say within a week
Oh yeah.....Tristan told me that the pictures I sent him were looked at by the other soilders...thankfully he reported "everyone around here thinks your hot"...I mean that's dope..who doesn't want to be told that they are hot?...but at the same time it's kinda weird because for me that is just NOT NORMAL. Guys don't dig me and I don't get holla'd at. My how life is changing
MaybeI'll get tired soon, maybe Tristan will come online...either way...
Buh Bye
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| you know you grew up in the 90's when....... |
| 06.14.04 (6:46 am) [edit] |
Oh my gosh I got up at a decent time today!
Hopefully I can do something other than sit my ass around!
Today I'll be listing a list of "You know you grew up in the 90's when......." Here's a little to get you guys started
You know you grew up in the nineties when........
"You couldn't decide between Zach and Slater and hated that they both wanted Kelly"
"If you didn't have your trapper keeper you just weren't down"
"You wanted a starter jacket and didn't understand why mom/dad thought $100.00 was a lot for a coat you HAD to have"
"you can remember the original lineup of ABC's TGIF"
"whether it be JTT, Jonathan Brandis (RIP) or jonathan Jackson...we had the Jonathan's like the 80's had their Corey's!"
"I personally was the pink ranger now and forever, but we each had a power ranger we loved and had lengthy discussions over who was hotter...jason or tommy...personally I still get chills when I see tommy on the new power rangers"
"We had our Mickey Mouse club...and DAMN THEM for cancelling it. Who knew where some of them were headed to! Anyone remember matt Morris??? he was my favorite =o)
that's all for now...I have a huge list piling up here that I'll put on later
PeAcE
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| I HATE LIFE, AND I WANT HIM BACK FROM IRAQ NOW! |
| 06.13.04 (11:40 pm) [edit] |
Ever since I turned 20 I've done nothing but sat my ass around the house getting closer to being fat again. I stopped going to the gym and hardly leave the house....I think that I need to change that
but it's weird because like, I can see that I have to change but it is SO hard to get the ambition. For so long I was waiting for my birthday and it's like, now that i've reached that goal I have nothing to work towards
That isn't true...I have Tristan coming home to look forward to. But it's kinda hard to get psyched about that because he is in fucking iraq! And it doesn't look like he's going to be getting his leave anytime soon. The have already taken it away from him and kept him there longer than what he's supposed to...and then he says he might not be done with his service in july like he's supposed to....so it's like...hold on to your life honey unil the powers that be decide you get a break....i'm slowly going insane over this
And then there is the fact that I have to get a job. I don't like that very much because I haven't had a real job in over two years. The thought of not controlling every hour of my day is frightning and I don't know how i'd be able to stick with a schedule
ugh, instead of whining about this I need to get my ass up and do somethign productive! And if God loves me extra tonight, i'll get to talk to tristan before I crash
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| WHY DO THEY EVEN TRY IF THEY CAN'T DO IT?????? |
| 06.13.04 (1:48 am) [edit] |
So tonight I taped SNL while I went out and gorged myself on hot wings and an oriental chicken wrap at applebees
I was stoked because again, we have the "it girl" lindsay lohan hosting. Was I surprised that she mentioned hilary duff? nope, i've come to notice that the only person who talks about that anymore IS ms. lohan. that's kinda sad
but joy-of-all-joys usher was gonna save the day. Now I don't know if ya'll know this but girl right here can S*I*N*G..I mean i've been singing since momma taught me twinkle twinkle...and i'm very critical of those who have put themselves on pedestals...if they can't perform I get pissed and re-think my singing career
USHER SUCKED...and this man says he is the hardest workig young man in showbusiness...and I love my boy and think he is a new fred astaire for the MTV nation...but he did not go all out...and i'm pissed
so I'm thinking about what my friend Ross said the last time we were together..."If you are going to focus on your career you need to start doing it now. not a lot of singers gettting discovered in their 50s"
i've been thinking about that for a long time now and it's annoying to me. I decided a couple years back that i didn't want to be a singer when I left high school. Who knows where I would be right now but I'm starting to have major regrets....thank the lord after about 4 months of work I have my skill back but I dunno....do I want to do it?
I ponder the pros...#1 money: the numbers speak for themselves and one successful album guarentess quite a pretty nest egg...#2 getting it done: if I pursue this I'll never have to wonder what would have been...#3 nay-sayers..I can say FUCK YOU to those who said I couldn' sing without ever hearing me. #4..I can make my entire family happy and wouldn't have to be asked about why i'm not singing at every family gathering.
I ponder the cons...#1..fear of faliure: while I now am able to take criticism I don't like it and don't want to find out everyone was wrong and I'm not THAT good...#2...say something does happen and I become well known anywhere. I can't live without being able to go to the local mall and shop for hours..and i don't like to talk to people I don't know if I don't have to...so this presents a problem...#3..I fear that I'll love it as much as I always thought I would and I'll never stop.
ok, these are the thoughts running through my head...laterz for now
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| FAVORITE THINGS FROM THE 90S!!!! NICKELODEON SHOWS |
| 06.11.04 (3:09 am) [edit] |
[i][b][b]inspired by xd0rkeehx's blog
[/b][/i]
[u]MY FAVORITE THINGS FROM NICKELODEON IN THE 90s!:
[/u]
[u][b]CONCEPTS [/b][/u]
[b]STICK STICKLEY..[/b](I was entertained by a popsicle stick.....")
[b]SNICK..[/b] if I were the PTB I would have never changed the original lineup on SNICK....this included:
[b]ROUNDHOUSE.. [/b]this sketch show was unique and awsome. it ended too soon and still has loyal fans..."whenever my life gets me so down..I know I can go down...to where the music and the fun never ends...as long as the music keeps playin, ya know what i'm sayin...I know that I can find a frieND...friEND...FrIEND..FRIEND..donwn at the roundhouse! *big thud*...yeah...they need to bring that show back
[b] ARE YOU AFRIAD OF THE DARK..:[/b] I am seriously one day going to start up a fan site for this show..there is not an amount too high that I would pay to have every episode...A CULT CLASSIC FOR ME! *That's SARDOE...no Mr..accent on the DOE*
[b]ALL THAT..:[/b] Now I know the kiddies today watch a nine-year old version of this show nowadays but when it started All that Rocked...anyone who can remember any "Useless Facts for Everyday Life"..email them to me cuz they were HILARIOUS!
[b]KENAN AND KEL..:[/b] I don't know why I liked this show but I did...I wouldn't watch it now though...*who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda....is it true? is it true? oh i do, i do, i do, i do, i do-ooo.
[b] CLARRISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL..[/b]:...this show was off the chain my friends...through clarrissa we learned a lot. fashion mistakes were one of them. [/i]
[i][b]those are all the SNICK shows I can remember right now[/b][/i]
more concepts.......
[b]NICK MAGAZINE..[/b]...I wanted this magazine SOO badly! When I finally got it my first cover was Boys II Men...drool-worthy at the time
[b]NICK KIDS CHOICE AWARDS..[/b] I loved this awards show and will never forget that I got to first see savage garden on there...one of those moments ya'll :cry: *promised myself i wasn't gonna cry*
[b][u]CARTOONS[/u][/b]
[b]HEY ARNOLD....[/b] I don't know if this show is still good but I liked it.
[b]TINY TOONS....[/b] I just starting watching the new "all grown up" rugrats and am already hooked! This show should never end
[b]DOUG....[/b] Nickelodeon could not have made a finer cartoon
[u][b]SHOWS[/b][/u]
[b]MYSTERY FILES OF SHLEBY WOO..[/b] i'll still never forget the episode where i guess it within the first 5 minutes, her car battery COULDN'T have been broken because she had the radio on!
[b]MY BROTHER AND ME..[/b]...I watched it...wasn't that great...("hey alfie")
[b]WEINERVILLE[/b].. One of those shows you watched when nothing else was on. Busted out laughing when they had to use those itty-bitty hands from behind the curtain
[b]FIFTEEN[/b] ..I wish I remembered more about that show or was older at the time..it was good but too grown up for me. I read some of the books a couple years back.
[b]HEY DUDE.[/b].. this one was great.."Ted" was such a hottie! and I loved christine taylor on it.
[b]WELCOME FRESHMAN... [/b]I am the only person that I know who remembers this show...which sucks because i was obsessed w/ it and wish people could help me remember more
[i][b]QUOTES[/b][/i]
[b]GOODBURGER[/b] "welcome to goodburger, home of the goodburger, can i take your order?"
[u][b]GAME SHOWS[/b][/u]
[b]WILD AND CRAZY KIDS...[/b] HOLY FREAKING CRAP I LOVED THIS SHOW!..they has had JTT on there once! *w-w-wild and crazy kids*
[b]DOUBLEDARE (& FAMILY DOUBLEDARE)....[/b] i LOVED this show and wanted to go on it so bad! BUt I knew anytime they had to dig around in some slime for something...or the big sundae...they probably weren't gonna get it
[b]LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE....[/b] this one was good but whenever a temple guard busted out it scared the crap outta me
[b]NICK ARCADE....[/b] LIked this one cool...it looked so high-tech and fun when they went into the games themselves but now I know it didn't look like that to them...hate when you find that shit out
[b]FUNHOUSE..... [/b] This was my favorite of all time. My mom bought me the funhouse workout video and I still love it. This was one of those shows that I just was tweaked I couldn't be on
[b]WHAT WOULD YOU DO?....[/b] Another Mark Currey classic...this one made me decide that getting pied wouldn't be so bad...and I wanted to pick a number on that wall so much!
that's enough for today folks...if I remember more you know it's goin on here...NExt we'll move onto my favorite things from the Disney Channel...no, this wasn't the 5'year-old's disney channel of today...this was the disney channel that gave us such hits as
KIDS INCORPORATED
THE LITTLE KNOMES
THE GUMMY BEARS
UNDER THE UMBRELLA TREE
THE "NEW" MICKEY MOUSE CLUB [i](before justin was an ass and britney was always showin her's)[/i]
THE BEST THING DISNEY OFFERED...."FREE DISNEY PREVIEW WEEKEND"
all this and more....in a future blog
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| WIL WHEATON DOES IT AGAIN! You go boy |
| 06.11.04 (1:29 am) [edit] |
I gave a simple shout-out to him before for intoducing me to audiologs...but I have a more heartfelt thank you to put up now
after going through his site completely I've reached a whole different area of the internet I never knew existed. I also was able to find places where people like me actually exist and go to conversate! HOw freaking cool is all that
so this guy that I've had in my mind for years (mostly thanks to river phoenix....can't believe he actually talks about him)
on the other hand I can't believe that at 20 I still have a larger-than-life image of River that I know I'm going to need to let go of someday. I also can't believe I would think that he would be anything other than a person wil once knew that he would talk about....
This site is turning me back onto the real world and I like it. Now if I can just keep building up my tbucks we can get this thing REALLY crunked! (still in mtv movie awards mode sorry!)
but seriously though, I hate the image but lil jon tore it up as a guest reporter AND...his beats CAN be pretty cool. But he still annoys the hell outta me
Might have a lot of posts tonight. Waiting up for my iraq-honey (that is what tristan will now be referred to as)
PeAcE
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| MTV MOVIE AWARDS! |
| 06.10.04 (4:03 pm) [edit] |
I'm so excited! I forgot the MTV awards are on tonight. I haven't watched in the receant years but am stoked for this one. Maybe I'm trying to capture the days when it was one of the biggest events of my year....maybe I want to see gorgeous lindsay lohan......who knew when I was constantly renting her "Parent Trap" movie, that she would be such a gorgeous person.
So I sent for a bottle of wine and will be spending the evening lounged with that and the awards show...then I'm going to sleep again because I'm still so tired!
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| I CAN'T BELIEVE I SLEPT SO LONG! |
| 06.10.04 (11:36 am) [edit] |
Finally got some sleep. Was semi-awake for PASSIONS. I don't think the srtongest anesthesia could keep me from watching that soap opera. I've watched pretty much everyday sine day 1
So I logged onto Match.com and i've been viewed 122 times....which isn't SO bad I guess. I've got one whole page of people who have winked at me and some were quite nice! Some were also quite fine! There is this one guy that lives in Chicago that seems nice and really smart but who ever knows? I still don't trust people but it's nice to hear if you're an attractive person to people. (not just physically I mean, i HOPE they read my profile!)
and just for fun I logged onto hotornot.com and put my photo there. I got a sem-decent rating for 24 hours of voting but it wasn't good enough so I put a different picture. This is the first time I've put my image out there on the net...it's kinda weird.
Don't know what I'm going to do today. Wait for my Iraq hero to come online....I use the term "hero" losely. For all I know he isn't doing too much. I wish he could tell me anything!
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| why do parents lie? |
| 06.09.04 (6:50 pm) [edit] |
I'm watching my little brother Noah tonight. my mom said she would be back in under 2 hours...that was 5 hours ago. I mean that is odd and I'm sure she'll say she's sorry
but I stayed up all night last night man! I'm on like my fourth wind here!.....get here mom!
I'm going to have to start charging. or at least demanding she bring me food. Either way...I bet she went out to eat!.....now i'm hungry for applebees
To be honest I think i've reached a point of mental hysteria commonly caused by no sleep and stress.
Life is so much fun today
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| i can't keep comin up with these witty subject lines and frankly won't be trying to anymore |
| 06.09.04 (4:35 am) [edit] |
i'm a girl who loves to be noticed but don't look at me...i want to be heard but don't want to be misunderstood...I am every character you've ever seen on tv. the Friends were based on my personal quirks.....think i'm kidding??...ask my mother!....
I used to love hard and fast...i obsessed SOOO BADLY over guys!...now i fight off attraction like it's a disease. I miss my first love and yes, it was love. Now I love the one that's in Iraq...why does it never line up right?
Things always make more sense with a lil smoke and some N.E.R.D. (right now i'm blogging to "maybe")....I don't like to watch music videos nowadays. I think of it as the ultimate control...REALLY listening to pharrell's voice while resisting the urge to swoon over his musical genius sexuality....although chad aint so bad either..this opinion is strictly reserved for the "She Wants to move" video. i wish I could dance like that
I wish that my future wasn't happening. i want to go back to "when I grow up"...what the fuck does the world expect from us? they were TOLD not to cut the arts...now everyone is falling into the routine of being a tool...it hurts me to see girls trying. Was it eddie Griffen or Martin lawrence that said
"Women, if you broke and got a pussy...you aint doin somethin rght"
now i'm not saying to go sleep with every guy out there..but Do remember that we have control in the end...no matter what the situation is...we got control and those who know that don't try. remembering that is step number 1 is utterly unbelievable self-confidence.
I was in Wal-Mart last night and wandered into the Barbie section to remenise...did you know barbies cost $6.00-$20.00....when I was younger they were never cheaper than $15.00!...let me just say that I now understand what people say when they talk about kids havin it better nowadays...little f**kers. MY LITTLE BROTHER IS 6...TONS OF GAMING SYSTEMS....6....i still can't get over it.
i wish Tristan would come online so he could see my mug, and I can go to bed. Until then, yes, I will blog anything worth blogging...I see too many cute things and it seems I need to keep posting if I want those darn tbucks
I've been viewed over 100 times...i can hardly believe that....wtf are you people not writing something to me? a little feedback doesn't hurt? Plus, what fun is it if I can't get bashed or judged just a lil bit. I haven't had a good internet fight since the days of nsync chat rooms where I had to defend Lance bass like any true future mrs. lance bass would...and yes, there are some of us still out there. I will never give up hope! The only reason my mom isn't Mrs. Bobby Sherman is because she gave up hope!
let us learn from our parent's mistakes...... :shock:
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| thought i was gonna have to hold back! |
| 06.09.04 (4:02 am) [edit] |
holy freaking crap. Ok when I first saw this website I though "hell yeah, I can type online as much as I really want to"...
then I was worried that ya'll would think I was a geek with all the time I have! (I really need to get out some night soon)
But after checkin this place out I see that not only do I need to blog more to make any of this interesting...but I also have lots of catching up to do imagry-wise!
and can we say gift-from-god??? Looking at some of the featured blogs and see the words "wil wheaton"...I've got a history with the actor wil wheaton that we'll go into someday but I'll say now that I adore the guy and the fact that I can see what he's been doing the past 3 years is pretty cool. And I also must thank Wil for introducing me to audioblogging.
This is getting better and better with each visit! I put my first picture up so check it out. This is me at 5:00am. I MUST remember to scrub that makeup off before I go to bed...I hate that not doing it for one night really can make a difference!
I'm baby-sitting my 6-year old little brother tonight...shit...i forgot about that. I probably should sleep so i don't have to spaz out on the lil kid. I'm sure it will be OK if he brings his arsenol of video gaming equipment...HE'S 6 AND ALREADY HAS LIKE 5 GAMING SYSTEMS!....I do NOT feel bad anymore for having a reg. nintendo AND a super-nintendo!
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| hot or not? |
| 06.09.04 (3:21 am) [edit] |
So I just put a new profile on MATCH.Com.....I've put like 4 of those on there but this is the first time i've put a photo. I wonder if people will email me. I'm glad now though that i'll know how attractive I am to the opposite sex...all without having to leave my home! i'd say the photos are good though. I'd do me :D
It's 6:20am here...I haven't slept yet. I got to talk to my best friend in Iraq...just as I got my webcam set up he logged off. I am waiting as long as i can stay awake so he can see me for the first time in 2 years. YEAH!
Don't know how long i'll last though...pretty burnt out and tired. Feeling...groggy....
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| TODAY SUCKS |
| 06.08.04 (12:11 pm) [edit] |
I live in Minnesota and yesterday it felt like the tropics...today it feels like rainy london (my home in 3 years!)
I have a hard time finding reasons to go out of the house. I don't know if it is a sign showing maybe Imma lil depressed.....or just because I find nothing interesting to do outside of my home
I moved back to the town I was born in (MANKATO, MINNESOTA)... 4 months ago wtih tate...we moved from our hometown which i've lived in sine I was three (FARIBAULT, MINNESOTA)
this town is a college town so there isn't much for a 20 year old (no bars for me!..wouldn't go if I could)..and it's also hard because I'm not a student here so campus stuff is kinda foreign
Tate has been going there for 5 years now. He is a double major...when I move to London in 3 years he is moving to Costa Rica...THAT'S gonna be a change! but they are both places we've always dreamed of living and why the hell not? We're young, can afford it...and want to...I can't wait...and at the same time...I can wait a lifetime!
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| OH YEAH |
| 06.07.04 (10:11 pm) [edit] |
I'm Angela by the way ...a 5'4 sorta-kinda-pretty girl that just grew into a body that I think I prayed for sometime when I was 12...THANK YOU JESUS!...I am milato (some ya'll still ask what that means..that means HALF-BLACK/ HALF WHITE).....just turned 20 on may 26'th..just moved into my own place (how do you decorate three bedrooms when you only brought enough furniture for 1...it was interesting and fun and EXPEEEEENSIVE!!) in the pasy month two complete strangers have come up to me to just tell me I was pretty....Bobby Morgan used to call me fat to my face and I used to eat Lil' Debbies by the box-full....somethin done happened right hurr =o)
I am a really out there person..a drama queen at heart if you have to go there (i ususally don't...left the drama behind for now)....if we can be honest on this thing then I'll say this for now... i'm in a sickenly dependant relationship that has been going on for 4 years (meet my ex boyfriend/roomate TATE)....
I have a best friend who is ME in male form...that's TIM...he wants me so bad he can hardly stand it or at least...he used to...we both gettin so busy in our careers (him producer and singing prodigy....me...whatever floats my boat that month but always making money! and oh yeah...i've been singing since I was two...re-thinking that whole thing though.) Ever been recognized on the street??? you'd know why i'm re-thinkin it then...but yeah, tim... that's my best friend..and I love him =o)
tim hasn't returned my emails in a month...i'm worried he no love me no more =o( We're both reclusive musical singing geniuses (don't hate me for saying that please...I can't help this gift passed on from my parents...wait till you hear about my PARENTS side-show antics that I've finally learned to not take personally..can't even beGIN to get started on that whole mess.)
Job-wise.......I've recently been recruited as a publicist for local Twin Cities celebrity...that would be the 24 year old down to earth, vegan, "never- leaves- the- house- unless- he- has -to- play- a- gig" kinda great guy that I have to be professional with while at the same time i'm fighting off lust like i've ever known. Again, another musical prodigy...I just can't see relationships with ross and tim working...we're all too tempermental. BUt Ross...wow, how I yearn at those shows when i'm out doin my job...it's a test to see how focused and on-task i can be while still stealing glances at him on stage.
and that is just what i can think of in 5 minutes!!!!....if in the end... no one ends up reading this, it's still a nice place to get the thoughts out. I can feel a lot of venting comin on :D glad I surfed on.
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| LOOKIE WHAT WE GOT HERE |
| 06.07.04 (9:54 pm) [edit] |
OK, so I'm searching online for fashion finds and here is this lil site. So I'm thinkin why not???...looks like people keep it up to date (don't you hate getting into a site only to find out it hasn't been updated since 97??)
and plus, I like to talk so anyone else who wants to join in can only be a plus for me!...so I'll write when I feel the need (that probably will be often if people actually talk back)..and we'll see what happens then huh?
Enjoy your nights
Angela
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